Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I hope mine doesn't look like that
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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