You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
