I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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