Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
