just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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