My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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