im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Everything about him screamed your future.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize