we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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