She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So many bounce houses so little time
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
