I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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