Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
