some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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