I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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