I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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