God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
