I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
