i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
