Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
