Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
