So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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