There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
zippers are such a cool invention
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
