I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
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We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
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You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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