My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
