If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Randomize
