after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
