i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just had sex on a roof
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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