Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
