So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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