I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
