is your mom at the bar?
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
