I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
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we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
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i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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