Define "chronic" masturbator.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
