Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
