ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
