I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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