Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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