I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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