forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
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I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
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I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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