I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
