not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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