Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
