its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
