his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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