making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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