I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
