At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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