I want you more than these girls want KFC
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
