We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
