im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
