Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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