I could have mohawked her pubes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I fill condoms, not promises.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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