even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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