I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
