loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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