my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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