I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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